Day 2 Of Chemotherapy — Erina Blake’s Diary | Day 2

Waking up this morning I had to pinch myself, what just happened? Was it a dream or a nightmare or both? How can it be and why did this have to happen, especially now. Life just isn’t fair, is it? Then I stayed a moment thinking, then I just panicked. I had better get a move on. I felt like curling up in a ball and dying but that wasn’t an option. Maybe later.

Getting up bleary-eyed, I looked across at the room which had been moms, the tears ran down my face, I had no control anymore. I went downstairs and glanced in the hall mirror as I passed by thinking Jeez, is it me or someone from Fraggle Rock. At that very point my hair began to change, it clung to the top of my head in clumps like dreadlocks. The chemicals from the first chemo have taken their toll. What am I doing worrying about myself, mother has just passed away and my hair appointment is for next Tuesday.

I approached the kitchen and heard voices, Fr McGrogarty was drinking tea, holy moley, I had my worn and deeply unflattering Minnie Mouse pyjamas on, it was too late to run, damage control was what was required. He smiled, I said apologies for the attire, he laughed and asked me how I was. I couldn’t really respond so I just said OK. He had been discussing the arrangements with my brothers, I just said that’s fine Father, I am leaving it to them. They were taking over as I just couldn’t. The phone was hopping but facing people wasn’t on my list just yet. I tried to cancel my chemo but they advised against it so I’m going to go at 12.

At the chemo there were different people to before, even nurses had changed except one, the girl who had administered mine. She was lovely, so kind and warm. I told her my news and she was good to me. The tea and sweet trolley which I had partly demolished the first day I couldn’t even look at today. The thought of food made me queasy and I knew I had to start eating healthily now. Sugar feeds cancer I had heard, hmm I wonder, are they trying to finish us off! I sat in my recliner and many thoughts ran through my mind, how would I cope? Will mom get me through?

The saline was given first then my chemo was administered straight through the vein by my nurse, by all accounts it’s a very strong chemo but that’s what’s required. I didn’t feel too bad following the first but the cumulative effects will eventually emerge. After all, it is a poison to kill the cancerous cells. No point worrying, I’ll take it day by day and I’ll be grand.

I relaxed while it was going through my veins but the thoughts came flooding back about mom, could something more have been done? I wished I had listened more to her stories and recorded them. She had so many memories, so much to tell. Her legacy will always be in my mind but right now I can barely remember her voice. Did we even have a recording of her? It has just come to me, I recall her being cross and giving out!

Thank God it’s over and I must now head home to face things. Life is so fragile, we need to cherish it. I am even more determined now than ever before.